‘The Reason Why: The Bizarre Case File on Arthur Young’ by Rupert McLintock & Joseph Liverwurst

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On March 1st, 1987, a recently widowed man in rural Ohio — Arthur Young, 43 — reported to the local police that the walls of his home had been replaced by “living sloth flesh”. He had recently experienced a spate of abscessed teeth, preventing him from working, and claimed to have watched the walls slowly changing over a three day period. Though police confirmed the walls had taken on a hairless, fleshy texture and appeared to bleed after being fired upon, the precise nature of the flesh wasn’t confirmed till the following week when scientists from the University of Dayton were able to submit it to testing. Initial reports indicate it was the flesh of the “maned sloth” (bradypus torquatus), roughly seven years old in age.

Remarkably, the flesh was free of parasites, though it did show signs of having been subject to extreme cold. The home was confiscated by an unidentified US military agency not long afterwards, covered in black tarps, uprooted from the foundation and taken away. The convoy was last seen on I-34 heading to New Mexico.

Arthur Young was subject to government monitoring from that point on. A few days after moving in with his brother Louis (38), Arthur purchased a .38 and pack of bullets from a local gun-store. Several weeks later the agents assigned to monitoring him affixed dead sloth parts to the windows of Louis Young’s home equipped with small two-way-radios. They began harrassing Arthur day and night. During this time Arthur was also experiencing a return of his abscesses, issuing death threats and repeating long strings of random numbers.

Audio recordings inside the home indicate that Arthur had discussed a plan with his brother to surgically replace his hips with car-parts and unspooled 8-inch reel-to-reel tape. It was later found that his brother was dead during this conversation, though the audio tape records another voice — much higher in pitch — occasionally replying in the affirmative to Arthur’s suggestions. Not long after, agents forcefully entered Louis Young’s home in the dead of night and proceeded to sedate Arthur with chloroform before surgically removing his lower jaw and replacing it with the lower jaw of a large female sloth specimen.

Arthur awoke screaming and threatening suicide upon viewing himself in the mirror but the agents had smartly confiscated his pistol. Before he could do any other sort of harm to himself the agents took him away to an undisclosed location believed to be in the Nevada desert.

Arthur was studied closely for several months and mentally evaluated until he was finally deemed stable again after his horrific sloth flesh experience and the traumatic jaw exchange. The military began crafting Athur to be a remote viewer and he eventually proved to be a very good one. Perhaps their best.

Arthur was in the middle of a remote viewing session in which he described underground cave systems on Mars and spoke of a highly advanced race of vaguely humanoid vegetables living near the core of the planet. However, a problem arose. Arthur started complaining of something “running in” on his remote viewing efforts, some kind of static that clouded his vision. Arthur began describing abominable beings, perhaps demons, engaged in all manner of disgusting sex acts. The military tried to find a solution to the problem but to no avail. Arthur now complained day and night about the static demons being “trapped in his head”, “raping his brains out”, he had fits of horrible screeching accompanied by seizures, was locked away, and given copious amounts of thorazine for the next nine months.

During this time the miltary decided to continue adding sloth parts to Arthur’s body in hopes it might snap him out of his mental dilemma and set him back on a stable path. They removed his hands and feet and replaced them with their clawed sloth counterparts. At this, Arthur seemed wholly oblivious in his deeply medicated state. The military had planned more surgeries but then Arthur turned up missing. His cell was empty when the guards came that morning. The military was utterly bewildered and started a secretive nationwide search for him.

The military had given up hope but then there came a report of an “Amazing Sloth Boy” attraction at an unnamed traveling carnival show in the mid-west from an anonymous source. The source described the sloth boy very closely to that of Arthur, he was said to have had a “strange looking jaw along with large clawed feet and hands, as well as oddly malfunctioning mechanical hips held together with film reel.” The sloth boy attraction itself was described by the source as “a bizarre performance piece, which mainly consisted of the man believed to be Arthur Young having passionate sex with a watermelon under strobing black and white lights while another man dressed as a rodeo clown hurled old television sets around the room randomly. This was all accompanied oddly enough, by the song “Old School” by John Conlee emitting from a cheap boombox set on repeat.” However, The military never found Arthur or any such traveling carnival with the described attraction and all efforts to find him were shortly thereafter ceased.

Rupert McLintock lives in the remote wilderness of southern Montana. He is a former quaker and an avid connoisseur of rare and unusual fruit jellies.

Joseph Liverwurst is a former hedge fund research specialist for Intellicorp INC. He is married to a saguaro cactus named Desirae. He also enjoys being homeless.

★ ‘Irritable Bowels of Hell’ by Rupert McLintock

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The old man at the table behind me was choking on a sausage biscuit.  There was no one else in the diner. Stricken with fright, I pretended I was choking, took a sip of my drink, threw my trash in the garbage and exited the place coughing loudly and clearing my throat without paying heed to the man as he gasped and struggled to suck air.  It was raining frenziedly.

I marveled at the strange colors and patterns of the nasty oozing automobile fluid runoff in the parking lot. There came a near bursting from my colon. I dreaded the thought of having to go back in that place and use the bathroom.  As I was unlocking my truck I tried to hold it but couldn’t.  I ran through the rain and reentered the establishment.  The man was clearly dead and sat hunched over his table across the room.  Apparently none of the employees had come out of the back yet and noticed him.  I quickly ran to the restroom and struggled through a particularly rough bout of diarrhea.

There was a song playing on the radio while I was defecating.  I couldn’t really make out the lyrics but it sounded like “I’m gonna get me a whore in Mexico and hit her with a ball-pein hammer”.

I eventually finished, washed my hands and was prepared to ignore everything and run back to the truck when before I could reach the door I noticed there was a large winged monstrosity clung to the back of the dead man. It was furiously digging into his back with an enormous beak. It started to sling him around into a position in which it could more easily devour him.

The thing hurled his corpse to the floor with a disgusting thud, now relentlessly ripping into his guts with it’s huge beak and razor sharp talons. Blood and guts were being flung in all directions. As I stood there in a horrified stupor at the absolute insanity unfolding before me there came some sort of bloody organ flying out which smacked me right in the face and splatted onto the floor like a wet sack.

I woozily exited the place, ran like a drunken fool and scrambled to unlock my truck. I finally did so but the damned thing wouldn’t start. And worst of all my stomach was hurting again.

Rupert McLintock lives in the remote wilderness of southern Montana. He is a former quaker and an avid connoisseur of rare and unusual fruit jellies.