‘The Girlfriend’ by Jackie Jones

sc july 18

There’s a picture of Dan and me on the second album, everyone knows that. And I know I don’t look like that anymore. It’s been almost fifty years.

As you know, Dan wrote, “Girl from the Old Country” and “Tangled in Your Hair” about me.  A lot of other songs, too: My Dreams 13, 14, 22, and …57! Of course, it’s no secret that 15 through 21 were about Joanna, that colossal bitch.

Being the girlfriend of a famous artist is, well, overwhelming. You feel cannibalized. In a good way, I suppose.  I’m not Marianne Faithfull, I am not a musician, I wasn’t in the same field. Perhaps that made it easier? I don’t know how people do that, frankly. Graham Nash said he and Joni Mitchell fought over the piano. Can you imagine?  

People always ask me, and again today, what the line, “beans in the sun” means. Is it fertility? It is a slur on “been in the sun,” a nod to Dan’s unfortunate vitiligo condition? Are they my small tits? And, as all of your hagiographers and Martyologits here today are aware, St. Bean’s day is October 26, my birthday.

But that’s too easy.

In numerology, “beans” works out to two, five, 19, 24, or 51, or a six, which is, no surprise, ruled by Venus.  Six is also the Star of David, the strings on a guitar, the six articles of belief in the religion of Islam, the sides of a honeycomb, the month June.

Shocking, isn’t it, knowing what we now know about Dan and his conversion to Islam in June after he wrote the song, “Honey?”

Yes, I thought so at one time.

Then, I remembered that one day, while we were walking in the Village, picking up groceries, I tripped and fell and spilled coffee beans all over the sidewalk.

People also like to ask me how big his dick was.

Let’s see, what else?

What do I think about the creep who rooted through his garbage all those years when he was married to that colossal bitch, Joanna?

First of all, I don’t keep track of Joanna’s doings or her life and frankly, she’s still a bitch from what I hear. I mean that is the word on the street.

Joanna is the Skeleton in the rain he wrote about. And the “Girl from the Old Country Who Wouldn’t Eat” – as if that weren’t obvious.  I’m surprised she’s still alive enough to go on those celebrity dance shows, she’s so angular and ugly.

Joanna was always mean to me, even in high school, and I really have nothing to say about her today.  I don’t care if she is my sister.

As for Mr. Trash, he is actually here today. We married in Vegas last year and I’d like to set the record straight: He doesn’t do that kind of thing anymore.  Although, yes, it’s true, we did meet outside Dan’s Malibu dumpster. So, so,long ago.

I want to thank you for inviting me to Dan Con. I hope I answered some mysteries. It was quite an eventful time for me, the year I was seventeen. I challenge any girl to have the kind of year I had! Maybe that Ritchie Valens chick did, what’s her name, Madonna?  Maybe she did.

Dan’s a tremendous artist. I’m an artist too, by the way, although I’m sure you know that as well, and I’ll be at my merch table in the back.

What?

He was average. I really don’t remember. I was in high school.

‘Went To See The Gypsy’ by Jackie Jones

soft cartel april 2018

I went to see the Gypsy, again.   I was desperate.   She had moved her “offices” to more glamorous digs near the beach.  Now it looked like a therapist lounge. I wondered if this new location had anything to do with the instructions she gave me.

She told me it was very simple.  On the next blue moon, you will swim around in Ventura Cove with a baby stingray.  You’ll have to bring your goggles to find one.  They like to burrow in the sand, so it might be tricky. And for heaven’s sake do NOT step on them or they’ll sting you.  When you find one, brush your hand against the fin, gently, and then get out of the water.  Then, you must sing, “L’amour est un oiseau rebelle,” from Carmen, in the parking lot.  Beware of Seagulls.  Then, you must dance the Mashed Potato, the Pogo, the Pony, and the Running Man for 40 minutes on the beach, in the sand, without stopping.  Any combination is fine, but you must do them all.  Then, go back into the bay, swim to the buoy, rub the buoy ten times up and down, swim back, and drink this.

Then, she said, he will love you.

I did as I was told, but it took me almost a year and a half before I saw a baby stingray.

I also had to take French lessons and singing lessons for the Carmen bit, as I just couldn’t get it right.

I can’t dance worth shit, so I watched endless YouTube videos and also took a class at the Community College.

Finally, it was happy hour again at the Princess of Whales.  Brian, the sales rep from Dallas, was definitely coming.  I could barely look at him.  He had the most incredible shiny black hair, like a Comic Book hero.  He was an Adonis – I’d lose my breath when he walked into the office. Waves of nauseous lust overcame me every time he was near, and I’d have to excuse myself.   This time, I felt a little bit better as I had gone through all the steps of the Gypsy’s and drank the potion in the bathroom.

But it happened again.  I loved him so much I threw up the moment I saw him.

I went back to see the Gypsy.  She asked me if I swam with the stingray, if I had touched the buoy the correct amount of times, if I truly could sing Carmen.  She asked me to sing for her.   She went down the list.

I said, “Look. It didn’t work. He flew back to Dallas and asked Pam out instead of me.”

She asked me if I drank the potion.  Yes, of course, I said.  But I did throw up.   Oh, she said.  I’m sorry to hear that. That was the most important part. The rest of the stuff was, frankly, bullshit.

Anyway, you’re all paid in full.  Try online dating, maybe.  Now you can say you’re an Opera Lover!