Silence of the Lambs
Ingredients: One Bottle of Chianti, ¾ of a cup of Fava Beans, One Human Liver.
Directions: You’ll want the liver to be fresh so we suggest a recently deceased person. A chest, neck, or head wound to kill would be best, so as to not bruise the liver. Pan-fry the liver and cook the beans in a pot with some water. Let the Chianti breathe for a while before pouring. Bon Appetit!
Lost (Season 1)
Ingredients: One Polar Bear.
Directions: You will need to source the Polar Bear first. We suggest going to the high Arctic or your local zoo. After shooting the endangered creature in the face, take it home. You’ll want to shave it, as nothing is worse than those fine white hairs getting in your teeth. Then cook the steaks on the barbeque being sure to get some grill-marks on the meat. You can also dry some smaller pieces for jerky. Prendre Plaisir!
Ingredients: Your own arm, two cups of dirty puddle water.
Directions: While it was not directly shown in the movie: no one just cuts off their own arm and then leaves a nice piece of meat there! Firstly, you will need to starve yourself for exactly 127 hours, and then grab a sharp knife. After that long, you won’t feel like cooking, so just go ahead and eat the meat raw. Rinse your mouth with some bacteria-infested puddle and you’re done. Va Manger!
Friends (Season 5)
Ingredients: One turkey, one sweaty Italian mans head.
Directions: The best way to make Monica’s famous turkey is to prepare and garnish the turkey fully. Once this is done, have your friend put his head up the turkey’s anus, thus defiling an animal that has surely already been disgraced enough. Have him wear the turkey for a while to really get his juices in there. Once his head is out of the carcass, take a baster filled with sweat and pump it into the bird, to add even more flavor. Cook at 350 for 6 hours. Celui-Ci N’est Pas Aussi Drole!
Ingredients: Crushed Ice, flavoring if necessary.
Directions: The snow cones the Yeti makes are literally just crushed ice scooped into a ball and placed on a cone shaped holder. Some flavor can be added from a flavor packet. This one is a good one for the kids to help you with! Je Suis Celibataire Si Cela Vous Interesse!
Directions: Heat a spoon to 325 then put your chosen rock in. Pour it into a “medical baster” (AKA a needle) and inject. This is a good one for when the kids are away at camp. S’il Vous Plait Ne Faites Pas Cela!
Ingredients: One beer, one cup of butter.
Directions: Chill the beer in the fridge for one day. Pour the beer into a glass, and be sure to hold the glass at a 45-degree angle. Scoop exactly one cup of butter into the glass. Mix with a spoon. That is exactly what they serve in the movie and at Universal Studios. It goes quite nicely with some salted Hippogriff meat if you can acquire it. Je Ne Parle Pas Francais!
Ingredients: One saltwater fish, one coconut.
Directions: We fully understand that this is just a list of fun recipes to make classic dishes from movies and TV. They are a little strange, but taste fine and are easy enough to make. This one, however, we feel is not morally justified. The oceans are being tragically over-fished. The overall ecosystem and lives of those animals are being irrevocably changed by fishing and also by pollution. Have you seen Blue Planet II? It’s heart wrenching. Please avoid cooking this dish and just stick to the other fun dishes on the list, for the wellbeing of the fish and our planet. L’ecrivain Est Un Idiot!
Declan Cross attends the University of Guelph in Canada where he studies in Accounting for reasons that are unbeknownst to him. He has been published in Points in Case and Soft Cartel. Also, you can tweet at him @declanbcross. He’ll probably tweet right back as he is bored a lot.