“Recipes from Famous Movies and TV” by Declan Cross

 

34597304466_5da19ae54b_o.jpg

 

Silence of the Lambs

Ingredients: One Bottle of Chianti, ¾ of a cup of Fava Beans, One Human Liver.

Directions: You’ll want the liver to be fresh so we suggest a recently deceased person. A chest, neck, or head wound to kill would be best, so as to not bruise the liver. Pan-fry the liver and cook the beans in a pot with some water. Let the Chianti breathe for a while before pouring. Bon Appetit!

 

Lost (Season 1)

Ingredients: One Polar Bear.

Directions: You will need to source the Polar Bear first. We suggest going to the high Arctic or your local zoo. After shooting the endangered creature in the face, take it home. You’ll want to shave it, as nothing is worse than those fine white hairs getting in your teeth. Then cook the steaks on the barbeque being sure to get some grill-marks on the meat. You can also dry some smaller pieces for jerky. Prendre Plaisir!

 

127 Hours

Ingredients: Your own arm, two cups of dirty puddle water.

Directions: While it was not directly shown in the movie: no one just cuts off their own arm and then leaves a nice piece of meat there! Firstly, you will need to starve yourself for exactly 127 hours, and then grab a sharp knife. After that long, you won’t feel like cooking, so just go ahead and eat the meat raw. Rinse your mouth with some bacteria-infested puddle and you’re done. Va Manger!

 

Friends (Season 5)

Ingredients: One turkey, one sweaty Italian mans head.

Directions: The best way to make Monica’s famous turkey is to prepare and garnish the turkey fully. Once this is done, have your friend put his head up the turkey’s anus, thus defiling an animal that has surely already been disgraced enough. Have him wear the turkey for a while to really get his juices in there. Once his head is out of the carcass, take a baster filled with sweat and pump it into the bird, to add even more flavor. Cook at 350 for 6 hours. Celui-Ci N’est Pas Aussi Drole!

 

Monsters, Inc.

Ingredients: Crushed Ice, flavoring if necessary.

Directions: The snow cones the Yeti makes are literally just crushed ice scooped into a ball and placed on a cone shaped holder. Some flavor can be added from a flavor packet. This one is a good one for the kids to help you with! Je Suis Celibataire Si Cela Vous Interesse!

 

Trainspotters

Ingredients: Heroin.

Directions: Heat a spoon to 325 then put your chosen rock in. Pour it into a “medical baster” (AKA a needle) and inject. This is a good one for when the kids are away at camp. S’il Vous Plait Ne Faites Pas Cela!

 

Harry Potter

Ingredients: One beer, one cup of butter.

Directions: Chill the beer in the fridge for one day. Pour the beer into a glass, and be sure to hold the glass at a 45-degree angle. Scoop exactly one cup of butter into the glass. Mix with a spoon. That is exactly what they serve in the movie and at Universal Studios. It goes quite nicely with some salted Hippogriff meat if you can acquire it. Je Ne Parle Pas Francais!

 

Castaway

Ingredients: One saltwater fish, one coconut.

Directions: We fully understand that this is just a list of fun recipes to make classic dishes from movies and TV. They are a little strange, but taste fine and are easy enough to make. This one, however, we feel is not morally justified. The oceans are being tragically over-fished. The overall ecosystem and lives of those animals are being irrevocably changed by fishing and also by pollution. Have you seen Blue Planet II? It’s heart wrenching. Please avoid cooking this dish and just stick to the other fun dishes on the list, for the wellbeing of the fish and our planet. L’ecrivain Est Un Idiot!

 


Declan Cross attends the University of Guelph in Canada where he studies in Accounting for reasons that are unbeknownst to him. He has been published in Points in Case and Soft Cartel. Also, you can tweet at him @declanbcross. He’ll probably tweet right back as he is bored a lot. 

“How to Summon the Dark Lord Hades” by Declan Cross

2770079722_31f03bb388_o.jpg

Step One: Have a well-rounded meal. It is difficult to focus on summoning such a powerful being without a full stomach. We suggest some potatoes, a salad, and maybe some pork. Nothing too heavy, but enough that you will not get snacky halfway through. It is hard to welcome Hades into your home with pride when there is Cheeto dust on your fingers.

Step Two: Clean your summoning space. The worst thing is to have too much clutter in your pentagram. Also, what will Hades think when he comes through into your summoning space and it’s all dirty? Will he feel valued? No, you’ll probably hurt his feelings. Go get the broom.

Step Three: Get a chew toy. Not for Hades. Hades is a grown-ass immortal. He does not play with toys. It’s for his dog, Cerberus. Cerberus has three heads and is a little hyper. Maybe pick up more than one toy, otherwise he is liable to pee on your rug, rip up your sofa, or devour your soul.

Step Four: Prepare a gift. Hades is an immortal deity, after all. It would probably be best if you got him a little something. Making something yourself really shows you care. Maybe a painting of your favourite myth or a mixed tape of your favourite worshipping tunes. Hades will appreciate that. And since you are the host, don’t be surprised if he brings you a nice bottle of wine or possibly blood.

Step Five: Get a sacrifice. Now we are into the real summoning methods. The best way to get Hades attention through all of the ethereal hubbub is to sacrifice something. It used to be if you wanted to kick it with a god, you had to kill a goat or a bull. Nowadays, Hades is more with the times. He’s a vegan now, so he only likes it when you destroy inanimate objects as a sacrifice. You’ll have to break a plate or something. This is why Hades often shows up at Greek weddings, looking very confused.

Step Six: Chant the incantations. Originally, the incantations had to be said in Latin. No one really speaks Latin now though, so English will do. Just be sure to enunciate. Last time I was chanting I said, “Come thee Holy Lord Hades”, but I mumbled a bit and he thought I said, “Come see gory porn Hades”. I mean he still showed up. He was just in a much different mood than I wanted him to be in. He was a little disappointed to be honest.

Step Seven: Hades has arrived, do whatever you want to do with him. You can have a nice meal, talk about what Ancient Greece was like, ask about dead relatives, offer him money to rake all the leaves in your yard. I like to summon him to watch sad movies on Netflix with. He’s really understanding and loves a good sad movie. Perks of Being a Wallflower is our favourite.

 

Declan attends the University of Guelph in Canada where he studies in Accounting for reasons that are unbeknownst to him. He has been published in Points in Case and Soft Cartel. Also, you can tweet at him @declanbcross. He’ll probably tweet right back as he is bored a lot.