Nick’s Poetic Ponderings -“Getting Rich the Easy Way”

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Have you ever thought to yourself: “ahhhh geeze, I wish I could ask a poet for life advice,”? Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’m Nick, a real-life poet, and I’m here to give you guidance.


Today’s Question:

“Dear Nick,

I’m going to be getting my tax return back soon, but I’m not sure what I should do with the money. Do I pay my bills or buy something exciting?

-Fiscally Frightened”



Dear Fiscally Frightened,

I’m gonna be blunt with you, friend: both of these ideas are terrible. Paying your bill is boring and buying something cool is a onetime thrill.

You need to be able to buy yourself new stuff constantly.

Which is why you need to invest that tax return, baby.

I’m not talkin’ the stock market, none of that billionaire nerd ass shit. You gotta do it the good old fashion way. Here’s your best bet for stretching that tax return to the stratosphere:

Option one: Have you been eying some dunks? Or some Birkenstocks? Why waste your money on a fresh pair, when you can put your DIY ethos to action. No, I’m not saying make your own shoes, I’m saying make your own sweatshop.

How do you think Nike makes all that money? Do you think they’d pay bills with their tax return, if they paid taxes in the first place? Of course not.

Just find some kids, pay them pennies to work, and you’re all set.

Option two: Let me explain a little economics 101 for you. When you receive money, the amount you have is finite. That means that when you spend it, you’re going to eventually run out.

But there’s a really neat hashtag lifehack to get around that: counterfeit money from Wish dot com.

Wish sells a whole lot of fake money. Some is designed for movie props or whatever, and a lot just has some Chinese characters printed on top. That’s totally fine though, just get $1s and $5s. No one checks that shit.

Just sneak yourself a fake $1 in between two real $1s; 7-11 ain’t gonna notice. Buy a Slurpee with it. Shove candy bars in the Slurpee cup before you fill it.

Boom. You just paid three dollars and left with like $6 worth of shit.

Option three: Why take a lump sum when you can easily quadruple your money at any Kroger in the country?

That’s right baby, I’m talkin about the magic of scratch offs.

You invest your whole tax return, turn that thing into a bunch of $1 lottery tickets, you’re bound to make it all back and then some.

Like, I haven’t actually done the math on this but it seems to make sense. If you buy enough, you’ll probably end up with a quarter of a million in no time.


And really, that’s all there is to it. Just invest your money in any of the above ways and watch your “bread,” as the kids say, multiply.


Have a question for Nick? DM him on Twitter! @dollartreevegan

“That’s Cereal, Hunny” (NF) by Kat Giordano


I met “Koji” on a 2D sidescrolling MMORPG called Maplestory back in ~2008. I was in 7th grade, going into 8th. Looking back, that summer was a very special sweet spot, the exact point of diminishing returns between freedom and responsibility after which the demands on my time would only increase. The following summers would either be taken up by work or poisoned by a deeply troubling undercurrent of shame at my lack of productivity. But this summer marked the first time I had enough interiority for my free time to feel interesting and perhaps the last time it would be socially acceptable, if not celebrated, to vegetate around the house for multiple days doing nothing but melt in the heat.

Being only 13 at the time, I failed to see this chunk of time for what it was. In fact, I mostly resented having nothing to do but sit in front of my family’s computer eating Hot Pockets and El Monterrey Taquitos and trying to get my archer to level 30. So when I met “Koji” on a boat traveling between Maplestory continents one summer afternoon, I was more thrilled than perhaps was appropriate. Sure, I was still just playing a video game alone in the nook off my parents’ living room, but communicating with someone else immediately galvanized it for me. I’ve always had this thing where I never felt like I was really Doing Anything, almost like I didn’t exist, unless someone was interacting with me. Talking to “Koji” made my solitude feel less pathetic and more purposeful, like I was having some sort of measurable net effect on the world around me. We hit it off, he added me to his guild, and suddenly I had what felt like a decent approximation of a Group of Friends.

Of course it wasn’t long before I made him my boyfriend. Looking back, I’m not even really sure what made us originally start talking or what we even talked about. I do remember that we both listened to The Shins, which may have been the only actual interest outside of Maplestory that we shared. I used to send him poems that I wrote, and he pretended to understand what I meant, and we both pretended that either one of us knew anything about poetry. I found that even that mostly-shallow sort of interaction made me feel less alone than most people I knew in meatspace. Besides, he apparently lived outside of Pittsburgh, and the fact that he lived in the same state as me made him seem more real somehow.

Once, he messaged me to let me know he’d written a poem about me on a Taco Bell napkin and typed it up for me in the in-game chat. For years, I had it memorized and kept it close to me because for years, it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done in my honor. In 2018, I have it scrawled in the front cover of an old diary from middle school that I pull out from time to time just to laugh at it, because it is fucking hilarious:

Just wishful thinking

The girl whose mere grunts form poems

That’s cereal, hunny¹

For every word that spills from her lips

My heart fills like a pool

At the bottom of a waterfall

The other guys in the guild were cool as well, though they never meant as much to me as “Koji” did, and we didn’t really keep in touch. They were all roughly 16-20 years old, including “Koji,” and I spent most of my time trying to throw off the scent of someone significantly younger and more innocent than they were. Even “Koji,” who was 16 at the time, thought I was at least in high school, and as a result, I was privy to a lot of stories he and the guild guys would have (hopefully) been uncomfortable telling a naïve middle schooler. For instance, one of the older guys told me about the time an old girlfriend’s parents once caught him fucking her mid-orgasm in her house and then proceeded to lie to them that his visible ejaculation stains were actually him “pissing himself from fear².” In exchange, I told him the story of the time a part of my bathing suit came loose and I had a minor wardrobe malfunction on Assateague Beach. He then proceeded to let me know there were probably “a lot of boners” on the beach that day, a statement that flattered my underage, mosquito-bite tits off back in 2008 and now sends me cringing into a singularity.

I took all of this as a sign that I was becoming One of the Guys, that I was making some real impression on “Koji” and his friends. I started to imagine a real future together, both of us meeting in the middle of Pennsylvania and falling in love in real life and somehow inviting all of our Guild Friends to the wedding. It was, at the time, the closest approximation of Deep Love I could muster.

And then he went on vacation.

It would only be for a week, he explained, and he would be back online as soon as he got home, but none of that mattered to me. I was already crushed, already abandoned. My unexpectedly soul-filling summer was screeching to a halt before my eyes, and I didn’t even bother trying to hide my devastation. We may have only been in an Internet Relationship, but “Koji” knew me well enough to reassure me using metaphor.

“Pretend it’s the gold rush,” he said, “and I’m heading out west to go make us some money. But pretend when I get back, it’ll be even better than gold. It’ll be diamonds.”

Diamonds. Diamonds. I held onto his words for the next few days, willing myself to remain optimistic in light of my sudden loneliness. I believed he meant it, that things would be even better than expected when he did eventually return. But without someone to talk to every day, a person to revolve my life around, I was quickly sucked back into myself, restless and paranoid. What if he didn’t come back? What was he doing right now? Was he thinking about me? When would we be together? A few days turned into a week, a week into two, and when he still hadn’t returned as promised, I spiraled even deeper.

For a few more weeks, I tried to resume my typical Maplestory activities. They weren’t nearly as exciting without “Koji” to share them with, but they were the closest thing I had to a routine. I felt like a widow. I didn’t know how else to fill my day. With no way of contacting him outside of the game, all I could do was open up our chat window every few hours, searching for some sign he’d logged on, at least for a minute or two. I’d reached the point where I didn’t even care if he talked to me again. I just wanted stimulus, input, some sign that he was still generally himself or even still existed. I asked the Guild Guys about him, but they didn’t know him any better than I did and eventually got tired of my questioning. With no other leads, I resorted to Googling his Maplestory username, with surprisingly revelatory results.

First of all, I noticed that, in addition to the PinnPointt account I had come to know and have weird cartoon lust for, there were a variety of other “PinPoint” accounts, with a variety of distributions of n’s and t’s, presumably also operated by “Koji.” The Maplestory website had a listing of all of the players and their stats, and it seemed as though these other iterations had been abandoned at lower levels, leading me to wonder what had led “Koji” to keep creating new accounts. I also noticed that he had not stopped at PinnPointt, as there appeared to be usernames with even more n’s and t’s (PinnnPointtt, etc.) that had also been abandoned at early levels. This suggested that at some point. “Koji” had toyed with creating a new version of his Maplestory persona and then regressed back to the one he’d used to meet me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the reason for his attachment.

Second of all, “Koji” had a YouTube account that I was able to locate using the names of one of his many failed PinPoint experiments. The channel mostly featured videos of Maplestory Gameplay, but there were also a few shoddy recordings of him and presumably his younger brother doing weird outdoorsy things, like blowing up and destroying things in their backyard. Sitting in the nook off the living room late at night, cicadas screeching through the windows, I sat in a frog-squat on the computer chair, mining each one for small details about “Koji” and his life. He had a younger brother, who seemed to be around my age (the irony). Wherever he lived, his family seemed to have a lot of land. And he was chillingly boyish, judging by his interest in doing recklessly destructive experiments in his parents’ backyard. Strangely, the revelation of his appearance was low on the list of my concerns. I remember thinking he was normal-looking. Not the sort of stereotypical Pained Expression Emo Boy I would have had a crush on in those days, but not prohibitively nerdy or weird-looking the way I’d secretly feared he would be. These details both galvanized my ideas about “Koji” and alienated me from them. The more I came to discover about him, the more I missed him. And yet, it became increasingly clearer that we knew relatively little about each other, and I began to feel silly for pinning so many of my hopes to him – both for the summer and for much further in the future than I would like to admit.

It took me around two months – practically the rest of the summer – to accept that “Koji” probably wasn’t coming back. And by “accept,” I mean acknowledge his absence and then use the heartache as fuel for this ultra-horrible poem

Where are you?

Don’t you miss me?

Didn’t you say I was your everything?

I thought we could do anything.

So why didn’t you say goodbye?

I waited, I really did.

But I can’t wait like this forever.

I need you now,

Not this summer.

Not a few months from now.

Not tomorrow.

You said we were on a carriage ride out west.

That this was a bump in the road.

That at the end, there wouldn’t be gold.

There would be diamonds.

But all I see is that stupid poem you wrote me.

I’m sick of seeing it every time I open my notebook to write.

It’s not good enough anymore.

Come find me.

Please, just come find me.

The title of this poem is “Stepping on a Pinn,” and I decided to include it in a note instead of in the body of the essay itself because I feel like both the poem and its ridiculous, emotionally tone-deaf pun title deserved their own comedic moment. Sorry for the interruption. Go on.

Despite all of the angst it entailed, I don’t remember exactly how long his absence lasted, only that at some point during my eighth-grade year he reappeared and explained that he had contracted Lyme disease on a family trip to Presque Isle³ and then fell out of the routine of playing. I showed him my shitty poem, and he apologized for worrying me. He also gave me his AIM screenname so we could continue to keep in touch regardless of our commitment to the game. Around this time, he also informed me that “Koji” wasn’t his real name (hence the quotes), and that he used it in-game to seem more interesting and skilled as a player. I won’t share his real first and last name here, even though they are extremely generic, because I’m already toeing the line as it is, and this guy and I still interact once a year on Instagram. In some ways, I finally got what I had always wanted – some information that placed “Koji” outside the context of Maplestory, something that gave me more access to him, almost like someone I knew in real life. But things were never the same between us as they were that summer. We kept in touch, but he wasn’t as crazy about me as he’d been before, and I was busy with school. I largely stopped playing Maplestory and focused much of my internet time on trying to nurse my extremely tumultuous and pathetic relationship with a real-life crush.

Then at some point, he interrupted a conversation to let me know he had met a girl at his school and that he wanted to ask her out. Whatever still remained between us was done. I said something like yeah, me too, haha. Even though that wasn’t remotely true and nobody was going to date me let alone be genuinely interested in me for at least another year. For a while, we still talked. Then, we talked once in a while. Then, we didn’t talk at all.

I stopped using AIM in the beginning of high school, when I finally got a Facebook account and migrated most of my communication to Messenger. As a result, I lost touch with “Koji” for around five years, until I randomly decided to add him on Facebook one summer between college semesters. To my surprise, he accepted my request, and we caught up over the course of a couple days. Unlike me, he’d opted not to go to college and found himself a pretty well-paying job as a programmer, only for that to fall through a year or two later. At the time, he was working as a toll booth operator until he could find something else to do. That’s the most we’ve talked since I was in middle school. We’re mutuals on Instagram and I think about six months ago he told me one of my outfits (camo shirt, orange jacket, combat boots) looked nice.

Sometimes he’ll DM or Snapchat me a video of himself listening to the all-to-familiar Maplestory soundtrack, panning over to the grin on his face. And in those moments, it feels like we’re sharing something special – certainly generationally unique, but also unique to us. An acute nostalgia over something that’s both universal and completely obscure. A connection so small and so fleeting it almost aches, like we’re touching hands through a thick pane of glass.


¹ To be fair, I think this was an inside joke of ours, though I don’t remember the context, which I’m sure was also stupid.

² This story has haunted me for my entire life. When I first heard this back in 2008, I thought it would eventually make more sense to me, like maybe after I’d acquired some Sex Knowledge I would understand what happened here and/or how the fuck it was even possible. But it is the year of our Lord 2018 and this story still makes absolutely no sense to me, and after typing it out for the purpose of this memoir I am utterly convinced it didn’t happen and that the guy who told it to me was also an underage catfish virgin. First of all, I don’t really understand how “ejaculation stains” (?) could reasonably pass off as that or why someone’s parents would point them out in the first place. Secondly, assuming this is even true and these “ejaculation stains” (??!!?!?) were a thing he would have to lie to them about, why would telling them he was pissing himself out of fear be even remotely better than just owning up to what happened? I’m writing this at 12:53 AM and I am about 2.4 unanswered questions away from producing a full-scale, straight-to-Netflix investigative documentary on this. As the years continue to pass and this story continues to remain a nagging enigma to me, I’m increasingly worried that my final thoughts as my soul leaves my body will be about this fucking weird Maplestory Cum Anecdote and I don’t know how to cope with this creeping inevitability, tbh.

³ Later, and without any significant recollection of my whirlwind 7th grade internet romance, I would later attend college in Erie, PA, where my friends and I would frequently drive out to Presque Isle to grill hot dogs or walk on the frozen lake in winter. Given my many years in the Erie/Pittsburgh part of the state, I’m sure that “Koji” and I have visited many of the same places at different times, but it specifically warms my heart to know we have both been to Presque Isle and put our feet in the same water. Not because we’re still close, or anything, but because it reminds me that Internet People exist on the same plane I do, even if we never encounter each other on it.


Kat Giordano is a poet (1%) and massive millennial crybaby (99%) from Pennsylvania. She co-edits Philosophical Idiot and works for a law firm somehow. She is also the author of many highly embarrassing social media meltdowns at @giordkat. Her poems have appeared in Occulum, Ghost City Review, Awkward Mermaid, The Cincinnati Review, CLASH Magazine, and others. Her debut full-length poetry collection, The Poet Confronts Bukowski’s Ghost (, is available now.

Nick’s Poetic Ponderings – “Pesky Landlord Blues”

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Have you ever thought to yourself: “ahhhh geeze, I wish I could ask a poet for life advice.” While, you’ve come to the right place. I’m Nick, a real-life poet, and I’m here to give you guidance.


Hello Nick,

Recently, my landlord came into my home to fix my bathroom cabinet. The problem is, I wasn’t home when he arrived, and he didn’t even bother to call me and let me know he was coming! What should I do?


Concerned Tenant




Hello Concerned Tenant,

I’m going to be honest with you, all landlords are horrific monsters whose sole purpose is to slowly suck money from you, in an effort to destroy your life and pound your soul into a closed circuit of pain and horror, a pain and horror you can never hope to escape until the loving kiss of death comes to relieve you of the disgusting embrace of the modern world.

But that’s okay! We almost all have to deal with it, unless you have a career and a house or whatever. And who wants that?

Here’s what you need to do:

Booby trap the house. I’m talkin’ Home Alone type shit, but worse. Imagine the scene where Marv steps on the nail, the way you can feel his pain. The way you can see the end of the scene without it actually being shown: the nail running all the way through his foot, blood pulsating out like a Yellowstone geyser. Etc, etc.

I would suggest creating a trebuchet of sorts, not to launch your landlord out of the window and to a slow and painful death, but to launch some crucifixion style nails at him, at roughly 90 miles per hour. The nails should be dipped in a mixture of strychnine and arsenic, suspended in alcohol. The edges should be wrapped in 80 grit sandpaper, Mod Podge’d on in case they do not fly true, so you still have the possibility of taking out an eye or severing a nipple even if the tip doesn’t quite make it all the way through their flesh.

While I am legally not allowed to provide you instructions on how to construct this machine, you could use a number of different house-hold items: toothpicks, pens, rubber bands, an extension cord, and a map of the state of West Virginia (country road take me home!)

Or, actually, I guess you could just call and ask them not to do it again. That would probably work too.


Your humble adviser,



Have a question for Nick? DM him on Twitter! @dollartreevegan

“Do It For The Vine: How Six Second Videos Help Us Be Good Readers” by Jacob Fowler


I want to believe that I am not wasting my time watching Vine compilations on YouTube, that the hours I spent scrolling through the Vine app during college were not lost but rather purposeful in some way. Luckily, I have rationalized spending this time because I have discovered–or rather, decided– that Vines are the ultimate medium for creating good readers. I can justify this idea by leaning heavily on Vladimir Nabokov’s lecture titled “Good Readers and Good Writers” and focusing on three principles he outlines for good readers: fastidious reading, impersonal imagination, and summarization avoidance. Nabokov is certainly not the terminal figure in deciding what a good reader is –as no one with a sex crime book can be–but his lecture incorporates itself nicely into this miniature-internet-video-analysis.

I will use the word “reader” as freely as Nabokov does in his lecture/essay. For us, a “reader” is not only someone who looks at words on a page. For us, a “reader” is anyone interacting with a closed system of media with the intent of enjoyment and some kind of artistic appreciation; and the Vine is the ideal closed system for cultivating strong readers.

Perhaps the most advantageous quality of the Vine format is its length. There is a rich history of scholars from Flaubert (whom Nabokov quotes in this lecture), to Cleanth Brooks, to Roland Barthes who claim that there is no reading, only rereading. Vines are only six seconds long and it is easy to find oneself becoming a pedantic re-reader when the subject of one’s focus is limited. And it is this sort of pedantry, one which focuses the on the intricacies of the “text”, one which Nabokov advocates for, that can lead to an enhanced experience with the art form.

In a novel, television show, or movie — art forms which require long or multiple sessions– it is easy to be lost in any number of nuances and complexities; even the most attentive reader or viewer might find themselves racing down a rabbit hole that is only tangentially related instead of fastidiously consuming the main piece. Instead, a single Vine can be consumed multiple times in under a minute. No chance for mishap, only a medium that encourages short bursts of close reading. Take, for example, the “So, no head?” Vine.  There is so much to unpack in that short video: the movement, the inflection of the words, the character himself; all of which would be impossible to register with one pass of the video. Rather: this Vine demands and encourages rereading, such as all Vines do.

Additionally, Vines demand imagination, but not only imagination, the “impersonal imagination” which Nabokov advocates for. A two line caption and a six second video provide little context for the reader. So it is the role of the reader to imagine everything that the Vine cannot include. This is the mode in which the aforementioned unpacking must happen. With imagination, the Vine comes alive in interesting ways which excite the reader. Only through imagination, and the unpacking and contextualizing of the piece, can the reader fully engage with the Vine. Other art forms have the space and time to provide necessary information, with the Vine it is all on the reader therefore creating an attentive and imaginative recipient.

But not only that, it is the responsibility of the reader to imagine without identifying with any of the characters. Here Vines also have an advantage over most literary or otherwise artistic forms: their characters, due to the shortness of their medium, are nearly unidentifiable. All subjects of Vines –whether humans, animals, or characters in sketches– are caricatures. Vines are not funny or enjoyable because the character is relatable, they are funny because the characters are grotesque. This is not to say that they are gross, but that, since there is no time to flesh out and define characters, they are all parodies of the human condition: recognizable enough to be funny, but too burlesque to be personal.

The best literary analogue is John Kennedy Toole’s novel A Confederacy of Dunces. Which, without delving into it too much, is hilarious because of the enormity of all the characters. This is just one example of a long book that has uncontainable characters; every Vine features such characters and thus, impersonal imagination is not only fostered but demanded by Vines.

Finally, Vines escape summary. Imagine, for a moment, trying to describe your favorite Vine to someone who has never seen it. Not only would your summary probably be longer than six seconds, it would also be an inadequate representation of the video. The “Hurricane Tortilla” kid, the “suh dude” boys, the white girl retelling her birth story, the “you’re disrespecting a future army soldier” boy are all entertaining not because they are easily summarizable, but because they cannot be summarized. No artistic medium protects itself from the danger of summary as effectively as Vines do.

I have found it impossible to write about Vines without using words such as “entertaining” and “enjoyable” which leads me to a similar conclusion as the author of our source text. Nabokov, in his lecture, comes to somewhat of a conclusion that being a “good reader” is not as important as enjoying and succumbing to the piece of art. Nabokov states that “the wise reader reads the book of genius not with his heart, not so much with his brain, but with his spine.” and, perhaps, this is the lesson to pry away from Vines. Perhaps it is less important to worry if this time spent interacting with Vines is justifiable and accept it as an opportunity for sincere entertainment, an entertainment rooted in a specific epoch riddled with insincerity. Vines are, and presumably will always be, special to millenials; let’s enjoy them with a fervor strong enough to support “a castle of beautiful steel and glass”.  


Works Cited

“Good Readers and Good Writers” Vladimir Nabokov, 1948


Jacob Fowler (he/him/his) is an elementary school teacher living in Oakland, CA. He recently graduated from Pitzer College with a BA in World Literature. His poetry has appeared in Barren Magazine, Selcouth Station, Ghost City Review, and Riggwelter Press, among others. You can find him on Twitter @jacobafowler.

“wash it down with gin” (NF) and two paintings by Kelly Matheson


Each joint has a price. In terms of insurance, that is. Worker’s comp is a son of a bitch to people who sprain an ankle because you wore flip-flops to work that day or slipped on ice in the break room. But if you find a band-saw and make the calculated decision to remove appendages to work the system, you’ll find a legend of values for each limb and ligament. I know this because my brother cut his fingers off. I half wondered if he did it just to get out of work for a few months. At least it got rid of those trashy prison tattoos on his fingers. That’s the kind of contempt you hold for someone who has tried to choke the life out of you on multiple occasions. He received a settlement check that gave him the only stability he ever had.  A trailer that he paid the down payment on and then never made another payment. He rented the lot, of course. It was in the middle of nowhere and we only visited him a few times to help him clean and move in. He was riding a sympathy high for a while. He got to live the way he wanted. No responsibilities like working, paying bills, or cleaning. Just smoking, bartering his pain meds, and making god-awful food. He sat in a singlewide trailer, chain smoked and corresponded with a slimy attorney every day to make the best case and get the biggest payout. He got a check for somewhere in the neighborhood of $17,000. A hell of a bankroll for someone who’d been relegated to poverty his entire life. With it, he played house. He found some semblance of love and got married. Even attempted to start a family. Several months of marital and patriarchal bliss. He added an entirely impractical iguana to the mix. Years later, on one of his quests to live on the fringe of society, he let the beast freeze to death. After a year of growing moss and a rubber tree, a Magic Chef range and having to maintain 700 square feet, it all proved to be too much for him. All relationships were too much for him. I have no qualms admitting his accident was most likely on purpose. My brother was a rambler in a post-rambler world. There are no more brakemen and hobos. Only sad, lonely homeless men who claim park benches in the winter and creeks in the summer. It never did sit right with me knowing he was sleeping in the park or on someone’s floor. He wouldn’t reach out often to me considering my brash nature and my selfish shithead of a husband. He wasn’t welcome as an overnight guest and he knew this. I can blame my husband, but that kind of life scared me. No stability, no check, no 800-thread-count pillowcase and lamp to light my nightly escape from reality in some book. Brian was a bastard. Not in the descriptive sense, but in reality. He knew because he was told over and over and over again. Drilled in him that he was a mistake, born to be resented.  He was made in a one-horse pseudo-old-west town as revenge for my mother to pay back my father for all the bullshit he pulled. My brother, his namesake nonetheless, was the collateral damage. With each signature and roll call he was reminded that he was the illegitimate child of his mother and named after the man she avenged herself against. He was not wanted and he would never truly know his lineage. He was always a problem or issue to be dealt with, with thrown punches and sharp words. Funny thing is I met his so called biological father. He looked nothing like him. So in all these fights and mud slinging there was a name that rang out. But now I knew that wasn’t even his real father. I never made this known to my brother, we never talked about anything really. Until the day this mans obituary came out. I’ll never know if my brother believed me when I told him, there’s no way that was your father. It made me feel sad for him. It made me remember when he turned eight. The doctors handed down the news. It felt like a terminal diagnosis at that time. Juvenile diabetes. To a family with no money, no prospects, and too much pride to accept help. Two shots a day. Insulin and syringes twice every day. Every day was a struggle. He was already ostracized in every way. In his own family. In school, due to his learning disabilities, which could probably be explained by his illness and the ever-present mood swings. Now he was different physically. He never belonged anywhere. His sheared wool was always black as soot. Constant fighting with my mother, who poured her resentment of his existence straight into him, unapologetically, which only exacerbated his distaste for living in reality. His ability to lie as a means to an end was honed at a young age. She told him what a sorry piece of shit he was. The fact of the matter remained that my mother and brother were so much alike in the fact that neither of them could hold a job very long or maintain any kind of relationship. They were both infamous for screaming matches in the front lawn. Fist fights and dramatic attempts on each others lives were just another day. In our little slice of rural North Carolina, it was always a first-name basis with all the deputies. In a time when mental illness was an urban issue, these were nothing more than rural realities. Nothing you can do to help them.  Keep them from shooting the neighbors. Anything more is out of my pay grade. The rest of the souls living in that hellhole are just SOL. So you wake up. Another day of shit to eat. Go to vacation bible school where you are taught to be grateful for the shit you eat. Forgive your mother and file your brother away in a part of your brain that can’t be explained or contacted without pain and confusion. Make a complacent attempt at finding normalcy and stability. Then they both die, and you are left craving shit for breakfast.


Kelly Dishmond is an artist and writer who lives in Hickory, North Carolina. Kellsbells1783

“A Stammerer at a Wedding” NF by Rick White


Richard the First; that was the answer.

I can’t remember exactly what the question was.

My hand shot up to answer it, partly because I was a jumped up little know-it-all and partly because the answer was my name. Of course the teacher called on me.

‘Yes Richard…’

‘Richard the First.’ Is what I tried to say but for some reason the words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t speak so I just sat there with a dumb look on my face as everyone in the class started to laugh. They all thought I was playing some sort of weird joke by putting my hand up and then pretending not to know. I tried to play along by feigning ignorance but I knew I was going redder and redder as the humiliation burned in my cheeks.

I don’t know why I couldn’t speak, it just felt as though the words were stuck in my throat. And the more I tried to speak the harder it seemed until I knew there was just no way I was ever going to be able to say the words.

After what seemed like eternity the teacher got bored of whatever game I was playing and let someone else answer the question. I slumped in my chair, cocooned in shame and wished for the ground beneath the classroom to open up and swallow me whole.

I was 10 years old when that happened and it’s affected me, periodically, throughout my life. I’ve never been a chronic stammerer, I don’t do that machine gun style stuttering but I do trip over words a bit and just occasionally that overwhelming fear of not being able to say a word stops me dead in my tracks and I’ll have to select another word that is easier to say than the one I feel stuck on.

That’s part of the reason I now go by Rick instead of Richard. It’s easier to say. I read in the Stephen King novel IT, which features the character Stuttering Bill, that the one word that stammerers have the most trouble with is their own first name. I also have trouble with anything which starts with a vowel so, ‘I, Richard’ is a potential nightmare for me. Hence, I was quite nervous at my wedding.

Like I said, I’ve never really been a chronic stammerer. I’ve gone years without even thinking about it but every once in a while it just starts niggling at me. My mum mentioned it quite recently in a rather jokey and dismissive way, ‘Richard had a funny little stutter…’ I replied that it was most likely the result of some deep-seated emotional trauma caused by one or the other (or a combination of both) parents. I’m not sure whether my mum would’ve taken my reply as just a joke or as a deliberate swipe at her. To be honest I often can’t tell the difference myself when I’m talking, it’s a bit of a negative trait I’ve developed of being quite acerbic at times for no good reason. When I said it though I suddenly thought, for the first time, that I might have actually had a point.

My parents divorced when I was eleven years old and for at least a couple of years before that it had been very obvious, even to a young child, that their marriage was failing. More than that, it was obvious that they could no longer stand each other. Aside from the screaming arguments which would often keep me awake at night, there was the emotional game playing and pettily-vicious point scoring in which they were constantly engaged.

As things progressed they started trying to undermine one another in front of us, their children. This is classic politics – you don’t just attack your opponent directly – instead you distort everything that they stand for in the eyes of the voters. You subvert and vitiate and corrupt everything which that person represents before eventually annihilating them altogether. Winning hearts and minds can prevail over superior force. Divorce 101 for beginners.

What’s that? Ok I’ll give you an example you sick fuck, if you really want to hear about it. When I was ten years old my dad decided to get a motorbike. It’s a fact that motorbikes are reckless, dangerous, and totally rock and roll. Naturally my brother and I thought that the motorbike (and by extension my dad) was the coolest thing ever. Motorbikes are also pretty expensive and one of the things my parents argued most about was money so the whole motorbike thing was always going to be giving off sparks in the powder keg in which we were living.¹

¹ I got my first CD at around this time – a split LP of Meat Loaf and Bonnie Tyler’s greatest hits. Fucking loved it and used to listen to it on headphones whilst singing along to every song must’ve driven my parents nuts.

Now, for my Dad’s birthday (it was his 40th if I’m remembering this right) he wanted a leather jacket. Awesome right? You’ve got to have a leather jacket if you’re going to ride a motorbike and me and my brother wanted to go and help him pick it. So we all went out as a family to this big motorbike warehouse. We picked out loads of leather jackets and of course they were all super cool but while me and my brother were running round getting excited my mum and dad were talking in hushed tones whereby it was decided (I assume) that the leather jackets were too expensive and impractical. So the jacket which my dad went home with as his 40th birthday present was a bulky, black, kevlar-coated anorak. The kind of thing a traffic warden might wear in inclement weather.

That evening, we all sat down to enjoy a celebratory meal during which my mum looked up and asked;

‘Do you like your jacket then?’ to which my dad replied;

‘Well beggars can’t be choosers can they?’ Then they both went back to eating their dinner in silence.

I don’t know if they had any idea that I knew what was going on and actually at the time I didn’t quite understand it. Why did my dad not want a leather jacket? Why did he get that shapeless monstrosity that no one liked?

My mum had won that particular round, managing to transform my dad from a devil-may-care, leather jacket wearing motorbike hero, into a sad, middle-aged man in an anorak. I don’t know if I realised exactly what’d happened at the time or whether I thought of it as I got older but what I do remember is the sadness at that dinner table. Four people eating dinner together – two lonely parents and two confused kids.

At least that’s how I remember it but who knows, maybe I’m wrong? Maybe my dad had deliberately picked that jacket just to be a burning martyr and have something to complain about. Maybe the whole thing happened completely differently, or not at all. The thing with families is that they aren’t just the sum of their parts, they aren’t fixed or finite. Memory is imperfect – incredibly so. And therefore for most of us, the idea of our ‘family’ becomes our own personal mythology. We are the unreliable narrators of own lives and events get obscured and distorted over time, their significance becomes amplified or diminished as we observe them through different sets of eyes at different times in our lives.

What I do remember though is the feeling of sadness at that dinner table. Four people eating dinner together– each of them alone in some way.

I always thought I was coping with all of this. I guess that’s the thing with stress and anxiety is that you tell yourself that you are dealing with it. My parents tried hard to convince us that everything would be fine after the divorce, that not much would change. My younger brother was showing signs of obvious emotional trauma so I decided, almost subconsciously, to be the strong one. And in order to achieve this I took every emotion that I was feeling and I learned to push them all deep, deep down inside myself and lock them away where they wouldn’t hurt me and where I’d never have to face them. And I was doing ok, carrying on as normal.

Until I couldn’t say my own name.

Funny how it sneaks up on you like that. I didn’t even make the connection until twenty years later.

The night before my wedding I said I wasn’t going to drink, and I didn’t. I wanted to wake up with a clear head the next morning. Unfortunately it didn’t quite happen that way. We were hosting some pre-wedding drinks, a nice relaxing get-to-know-you for all of the main people who would be involved in the day. It was the first time my parents had been in the same room as one another for more than 15 years, the previous time being when they met in the police station after I had been arrested.

They stood at opposite ends of the room and kept themselves to themselves. I remember people kept asking me if I was ok which I found quite odd and was actually starting to stress me out a bit. ‘I’m fine,’ I kept saying in the kind of voice people use when they’re clearly not fine. I should’ve just had a beer to take the edge off but instead I decided that I needed some fresh air. So I got up from my seat and walked quickly towards the open French Doors which then turned out to be very much closed. I walked face first into the glass door and was knocked backwards onto my arse, chucking a glass of water over myself in the process and causing everyone in the room to immediately crowd round me and start making a fuss.

Looking at my face, people’s reactions were not good. The general consensus was that I had a huge lump above the eye which would most likely go black. All I could think was, ‘Oh shit I’ve ruined the whole wedding with my stupid face. They’re just going to have to photoshop me out of every photo and photoshop Professor Brian Cox in instead.”²

²  The author does bear a pretty striking resemblance to the well known physicist, television presenter and former D-Ream keyboard player. Even my close family say I look exactly like him.

Your old friend anxiety will get you every time. Some people get mad, some people get sad, and some people smash their face into a door and lose the ability to say their own name.

Maybe it was nothing to do with my parents, maybe it was just the pressure of the occasion. I must’ve looked uncomfortable and that’s why people kept asking me if I was ok. My reflex reaction was to say “I’m fine” and then just sit there sipping my water and grinding my jaw in silence as I sank further and further in to the quicksand of my own emotions. I hate having to talk about my feelings. It makes me feel like I’m being interrogated, like I’m being put on the spot and called upon to answer a question which I know the answer to but for some reason cannot say.

I’m very pleased to tell you reader that I have an extremely hard face. I don’t bruise easily and by the morning of the wedding my face was unmarked and only very mildly swollen. I was not hungover, although my head was not exactly clear. I looked okay in most of the photos.

The main thing I remember about our wedding wasn’t the awkwardness of drinks with my parents or nearly breaking my face on a window. It was the moment that my wife Sarah entered the church. She always looks stunningly beautiful but when she walked into the church she just seemed to radiate a kind of peaceful happiness which made her even more so. I just focused on her and her alone, didn’t take my eyes off her. When she got to the front and stood next to me we held hands, which I’m still not sure if you’re supposed to do. I thought maybe it wasn’t showing the appropriate amount of reverence but I could’ve just been worrying about nothing. The point was that holding her hand gave me strength, it made me feel comfortable, at ease and certain that I was exactly where I needed to be. Then I felt like I could speak.

When the time came I was able to say, ‘I Richard…’

And then the rest came easy after that.

Rick White.jpg Rick White is a fiction writer from Manchester UK. Rick has previously had work published in Storgy, Honest Ulsterman, and Vice Magazine and is currently working on his first novel which he hopes to finish before he expires. Rick is thirty-four years old and lives with his wife Sarah and their small furry overlord, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Harry.

Excerpts from ‘Autobiography’ by Hatelet (NF)


Wading through my memories feels like walking into an attic that has a roof battered by raindrops and is filled with rising spirals of dust.  When I was 16 years old I fasted for four days. I was at a boarding school that was at high altitude, and I ran every day of the fast, on a winding trail that climbed through rock and pine trees and dry, oily soil.  I got weaker every day of the fast. I started to feel like I was made of too much dry air– brittle, spacey, birdlike.

The last time I was happy was around two to three years ago.  I have been sick for a long time. I forget what my life was like before this.  I recall things with difficulty. In moments of lucidity provoked by medication, I feel as if everything in my body is flowing.  I like the pagan light that comes from the earth, that illuminates forest clearings where dryads and faeries lurk. How do mushrooms see?

I relish pain sometimes, but there are so many different kinds of pain.  Pain is a blunt word that means “aversive stimuli”. There are so many ways a body can fail, that it is hard to articulate the feelings.  Some kinds of dull pain are worse than sharp pains. In sickness, the body sometimes senses geological spaces, flows, and times. The body becomes desert sand, bones of giants, rock and mineral strata grinding slowly against each other.  It thirsts like rock does. It is helpless like rock.

I do not like marijuana.  When I smoke it I think of the book “Flatland”.  Everything becomes two-dimensional; the walls scream.  I like opioids, especially oxycodone. I have never used intravenous drugs.  As a child, I used to say that my favorite color was blue. I don’t think I have a favorite color now, but I would like to live in a red room with a bright yellow incandescent bulb.  

In the spaces in between falling asleep and dreaming, I am transported to dimly lit planes that I think are embryonic versions of different geological-spatial formations.  For example, I was at a central or southern african savannah before it was formed. I was in the most northern part of the tundra where you pass through the border and everything starts to twinkle and things become green again, welcoming you to the other side.  It was as if places I’ve been had a negative correspondence that wasn’t an ideal form but was nevertheless otherworldly.

I like cats and consider them my equals, or better than me.  Because of this I do not like to talk to them as if they are babies, although sometimes I do raise my voice in a sing-song way when they are particularly cute.  I think of Hell often. I might believe in reincarnation, but I’m not sure. Death is completely opaque to me. I have only lucid dreamed two times in my life. My memories elude me often, which is why this piece of writing is an endurance sport for me.

I feel that many women are angels.  On LSD I would often feel that men had an uncomfortable energy around them, women were more cooling.  One time on LSD I experienced a sort of “imprinting” in which someone who took care of me for the duration of the trip became a fixation for me, for no other reason than that.  We didn’t have anything in common but for this period, she had been my mother. I am too immature to have been in love, but nevertheless I have been in love once. I do not think I have many years left to live, but telling myself this is most likely a coping mechanism.  I do not know if my inability to kill myself is weakness or strength. After all, the present is very precarious, and many things could go either way for me.

I used to enjoy food far more before I got sick.  As a child, all my strongest memories were associated with food, although I was never at all overweight.  This is probably because I was largely friendless for most of my childhood. My relative lack of romantic relationships or serious friendships in childhood through high school may have been responsible for me developing a feeling of being constantly late for something, as well as a feeling of being orthogonal to the world.  

I think human life is so frustrating because we are “not quite there yet”.  I have always been an extremely messianic person, but this zeal has been mostly extinguished by events of the past year or two.  The Tibetan Book of the Dead says the inability to distinguish between different types and qualities of light is a serious concern for those in the intermediate state between life and death, but I think it is also a problem for the living.  I have always had a fear of not being noticed enough. This fear has been exacerbated by becoming a total hermit due to circumstance, and because of this, I use social media in fitful bursts occasionally, then retreat when the light hurts my eyes.

I turned away from religious and occult belief like a spurned lover.  I am a zealot and thus I believe or oppose belief in extremes. I cannot stand to be abandoned by God, and thus I am not patient enough to be a Christian.  I still like to wander into services sometimes. I like shaking the hands of the other people in the church and wishing each other peace. I find many religions and myths incredibly evocative, but the only ones that I think are really real are the impersonal metaphysics of religions that involve some form of reincarnation without a god.

I used to ski a lot, mostly alpine, but some nordic.  I loved skiing through glades with deep, powdery snow.  I mostly skied alone, all day, for a large portion of the winter months of my adolescence.  I sometimes got lonely and frightened once the dark came right as the mountain was closing and I waited for a ride home with my parents.  I used to be triumphant about being an atheist as a young child, until I realized the gravity of disbelieving in life after death, at which point I became often scared and depressed.  Winter always used to be my favorite season. I have seen things in the shadows and quiet of a snow-dampened, dark wood.

The last time I was truly happy or excited must have been in September of 2016.  In September of 2015, I met someone who I would fall for at a party a half-mile into the woods near my college.  In September of 2016 I went to a party in the same woods, after we had broken up, and met her there again. I try aggressively to not believe in magic, or coincidence, but the repetition of this occurrence felt like closing a circle, and set the hairs on my arm on edge.  That night I think some kind of threshold was crossed, and I walked into the unreal world that I reside in now.

I think that perhaps the closest one can come to the supernatural is by refusing to believe in it, but going through the motions of belief very strictly, as if one did.  Trying to draw a perfect circle, chanting in monotone, are all things that do something to the fabric of things regardless of whether they are believed in or not. Only fraud requires belief for it to work.

I slowly and imperceptibly become accustomed to the unreal and terrible existence I have, but I wake up sometimes in a start; terrified of how time passes and leaves me with nothing.  I remember when I was four, that I used to think the willow trees we passed on the South Carolina back roads actually turned grey at night–I didn’t realize that it was just how light works.  I was comforted by them as they seemed to be benign beckoners of a soft and rich dreamtime. I would sometimes play with the other children at the houses where we went to hear bluegrass and country music.  We were told to watch out for snakes and rusty metal scraps, and to not go too close to the river. Many dramas were hinted at that seemed inaccessible to me. I wanted adventure, but never really got it. I would hang out downstairs where people played music casually, offstage.  The floor was unfinished concrete and the air was filled with cigarette smoke and the bathroom was lit by a red incandescent bulb.

I can’t stand the idea of useless suffering.  Time passes and then congeals, in dirty glass jars in a cabinet in a small wooden house that cramps in on itself–this makes me nauseous.  I hate when things are not redeemed somehow. I don’t want my hand to be forced, I would like to not have to redeem my life in a final act.  I do not like anything much anymore. I am becoming immaculately boring, except for my rage, which I cannot usually express but would dignify my stupid existence.

I know that more women attempt suicide than men, but more men succeed.  Women are more likely to use less lethal means, like taking pills or cutting their wrists.  Men are more likely to use guns or hanging. Pills are less successful mostly because people taking them do not know much about pharmacology, generally.  It is not very difficult to kill yourself with pills if you know much about pharmacology. Anti-emetics are a very important aspect of this method because many people vomit up the pills.  

We were talking earlier about different types of pain.  I do not mind the feeling of a needle piercing my vein, but the duller feeling of the plastic catheter sliding in bothers me.  I broke my leg once, when I was about 16. I was playing an informal, or “pickup” soccer game at my high school in the mountains in California.  I was not wearing shin guards because it was an informal game. I was playing goalie, and I didn’t want to let my team down, so I charged the ball.  The player on the other team did not stop, and kneed my shin. There was a sickening, hard slap. I was helped off the field and then