‘Pur-ga-to-ry’ by Wolfcigs

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pur·ga·to·ry
/ˈpərɡəˌtôrē/
noun
(in Roman Catholic doctrine) a place or state of suffering inhabited by the souls of
sinners who are expiating their sins before going to heaven.

1

i fell on a jagged dagger
when i was nineteen years old, and i learned the meaning of discomfort.
the meaning of
a limbo like the feeling of a 7/11 at 2 in the morning on a school night.
a limbo like the feeling of a hospital lobby with your mom on the phone.

limbo is a psychiatric ward.
i fell on a jagged dagger
when i was nineteen, and medication forced in my mouth
fucked my throat and fucked my mind
like your favorite hentai girl, clad in scrubs and bloody bandages
drooling in agony and begging for forgiveness
on my knees like a slut for your affection.
i held you in the visitors room and
you didn’t hold me back.

eagles nested outside my hospital room window
my wrists hurt
i wanna go home

2

fuck yeah, i’m a badass.
i’m your token legally homeless friend
and you can see my bones through the wound in my knee.
love me, please, i am mangled.
i am ripped apart inside and out, see,
my lungs are full of fluid and my limbs are full of gravel
and my skateboard dug my grave.

i clung to my last bloody strands of girlhood in the convenience store,
buying flamin’ hot cheetos for dinner on crutches.
i threw up on the sidewalk.

the woman down the hall told me she had an STD
then asked if i wanted to fuck.
the woman downstairs told me i’d surely burn in hell.
she flipped a table at me,
and i thought i’d like to say to her
i think i’m already there.

i thought that hell was a group home for disabled adults in minneapolis
as i gripped my disintegrating youth
it faded quicker than the hair dye that clung to my fingers.

i hear the footsteps in the hallway again
i wonder when my dad will bring my wii from the storage unit
i hope he has my gamecube controller
i wanna feel like a teenager again
i wanna feel like a teenager again
i wanna feel like a teenager again
i wanna feel like a teenager again
i wanna go home i wanna go home i wanna go home

3

hell is a dirty homeless shelter in minneapolis.

i’m god’s onahole,
but i’m satan’s favorite fallen angel,
and he tells me my hair is so pretty when im throwing up on the streets.
he says my eyes are so blue when i can’t breathe
and that he wants to take me out to dinner tonight.
i give in.

i wear the skin of it.
i wear the skin of a confident woman and i’ll shove you out of my way.
i’ll say no when you touch me

and i won’t cry
won’t cry
i won’t cry
i’m not gonna cry
because i’ve got skin thicker than your cock
and i’ll sic the devil on you
because he likes me.

fuck

the sense of “home” was
scraped from my body with a fork
and i puked it in the shelter’s bathroom with satan holding my hair back.
“home” is a nonsense word
home is aljhglkadjfslhakdjh;dfhdfg
jdfskgdfkjhgjfk
hkdjfhsjfgljhj
i wanna be a kid again
i wanna be loved
a pop tart shouldn’t be dinner.
a cot next to an open window in winter shouldn’t be a bed.

i used to be
something great i used to be an angel, you know
i used to lay in God’s lap and he’d stroke my head and
i’d breathe easy
my spine didn’t ache with the weight of my wings
i used to be something great

but i am girl-turned-demon
i am girl-turned-your worst fucking nightmare
as i tune out the sounds of death
and block out the drugged up threats
“how’d you get so brave, little girl?”

i am girl-turned-broken-dog.
i’d bite the hand that feeds
if anyone bothered to feed me at all.

i’d bite the hand that feeds
if anyone bothered to feed me at all.


Wolfcigs is 22 years old, female, and goes by many names, take your pick between Frances, Nadia, and Yohane. She doesn’t mind. Wolfcigs has lived all over the place, but calls Minneapolis, Minnesota her home. She has been creating art ever since she can remember, and specializes in angry animals and anime girls covered in blood. Wolfcigs is most active on twitter (https://twitter.com/wolfcigs), on which you can expect a fair mix of artwork, cat pics, fanfiction, and J-pop idols.

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