Have you ever thought to yourself: “ahhhh geeze, I wish I could ask a poet for life advice,”? Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’m Nick, a real-life poet, and I’m here to give you guidance.
I’m going to be getting my tax return back soon, but I’m not sure what I should do with the money. Do I pay my bills or buy something exciting?
Dear Fiscally Frightened,
I’m gonna be blunt with you, friend: both of these ideas are terrible. Paying your bill is boring and buying something cool is a onetime thrill.
You need to be able to buy yourself new stuff constantly.
Which is why you need to invest that tax return, baby.
I’m not talkin’ the stock market, none of that billionaire nerd ass shit. You gotta do it the good old fashion way. Here’s your best bet for stretching that tax return to the stratosphere:
Option one: Have you been eying some dunks? Or some Birkenstocks? Why waste your money on a fresh pair, when you can put your DIY ethos to action. No, I’m not saying make your own shoes, I’m saying make your own sweatshop.
How do you think Nike makes all that money? Do you think they’d pay bills with their tax return, if they paid taxes in the first place? Of course not.
Just find some kids, pay them pennies to work, and you’re all set.
Option two: Let me explain a little economics 101 for you. When you receive money, the amount you have is finite. That means that when you spend it, you’re going to eventually run out.
But there’s a really neat hashtag lifehack to get around that: counterfeit money from Wish dot com.
Wish sells a whole lot of fake money. Some is designed for movie props or whatever, and a lot just has some Chinese characters printed on top. That’s totally fine though, just get $1s and $5s. No one checks that shit.
Just sneak yourself a fake $1 in between two real $1s; 7-11 ain’t gonna notice. Buy a Slurpee with it. Shove candy bars in the Slurpee cup before you fill it.
Boom. You just paid three dollars and left with like $6 worth of shit.
Option three: Why take a lump sum when you can easily quadruple your money at any Kroger in the country?
That’s right baby, I’m talkin about the magic of scratch offs.
You invest your whole tax return, turn that thing into a bunch of $1 lottery tickets, you’re bound to make it all back and then some.
Like, I haven’t actually done the math on this but it seems to make sense. If you buy enough, you’ll probably end up with a quarter of a million in no time.
And really, that’s all there is to it. Just invest your money in any of the above ways and watch your “bread,” as the kids say, multiply.
Have a question for Nick? DM him on Twitter! @dollartreevegan