“How to Summon the Dark Lord Hades” by Declan Cross

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Step One: Have a well-rounded meal. It is difficult to focus on summoning such a powerful being without a full stomach. We suggest some potatoes, a salad, and maybe some pork. Nothing too heavy, but enough that you will not get snacky halfway through. It is hard to welcome Hades into your home with pride when there is Cheeto dust on your fingers.

Step Two: Clean your summoning space. The worst thing is to have too much clutter in your pentagram. Also, what will Hades think when he comes through into your summoning space and it’s all dirty? Will he feel valued? No, you’ll probably hurt his feelings. Go get the broom.

Step Three: Get a chew toy. Not for Hades. Hades is a grown-ass immortal. He does not play with toys. It’s for his dog, Cerberus. Cerberus has three heads and is a little hyper. Maybe pick up more than one toy, otherwise he is liable to pee on your rug, rip up your sofa, or devour your soul.

Step Four: Prepare a gift. Hades is an immortal deity, after all. It would probably be best if you got him a little something. Making something yourself really shows you care. Maybe a painting of your favourite myth or a mixed tape of your favourite worshipping tunes. Hades will appreciate that. And since you are the host, don’t be surprised if he brings you a nice bottle of wine or possibly blood.

Step Five: Get a sacrifice. Now we are into the real summoning methods. The best way to get Hades attention through all of the ethereal hubbub is to sacrifice something. It used to be if you wanted to kick it with a god, you had to kill a goat or a bull. Nowadays, Hades is more with the times. He’s a vegan now, so he only likes it when you destroy inanimate objects as a sacrifice. You’ll have to break a plate or something. This is why Hades often shows up at Greek weddings, looking very confused.

Step Six: Chant the incantations. Originally, the incantations had to be said in Latin. No one really speaks Latin now though, so English will do. Just be sure to enunciate. Last time I was chanting I said, “Come thee Holy Lord Hades”, but I mumbled a bit and he thought I said, “Come see gory porn Hades”. I mean he still showed up. He was just in a much different mood than I wanted him to be in. He was a little disappointed to be honest.

Step Seven: Hades has arrived, do whatever you want to do with him. You can have a nice meal, talk about what Ancient Greece was like, ask about dead relatives, offer him money to rake all the leaves in your yard. I like to summon him to watch sad movies on Netflix with. He’s really understanding and loves a good sad movie. Perks of Being a Wallflower is our favourite.

 

Declan attends the University of Guelph in Canada where he studies in Accounting for reasons that are unbeknownst to him. He has been published in Points in Case and Soft Cartel. Also, you can tweet at him @declanbcross. He’ll probably tweet right back as he is bored a lot. 

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