There’s a picture of Dan and me on the second album, everyone knows that. And I know I don’t look like that anymore. It’s been almost fifty years.
As you know, Dan wrote, “Girl from the Old Country” and “Tangled in Your Hair” about me. A lot of other songs, too: My Dreams 13, 14, 22, and …57! Of course, it’s no secret that 15 through 21 were about Joanna, that colossal bitch.
Being the girlfriend of a famous artist is, well, overwhelming. You feel cannibalized. In a good way, I suppose. I’m not Marianne Faithfull, I am not a musician, I wasn’t in the same field. Perhaps that made it easier? I don’t know how people do that, frankly. Graham Nash said he and Joni Mitchell fought over the piano. Can you imagine?
People always ask me, and again today, what the line, “beans in the sun” means. Is it fertility? It is a slur on “been in the sun,” a nod to Dan’s unfortunate vitiligo condition? Are they my small tits? And, as all of your hagiographers and Martyologits here today are aware, St. Bean’s day is October 26, my birthday.
But that’s too easy.
In numerology, “beans” works out to two, five, 19, 24, or 51, or a six, which is, no surprise, ruled by Venus. Six is also the Star of David, the strings on a guitar, the six articles of belief in the religion of Islam, the sides of a honeycomb, the month June.
Shocking, isn’t it, knowing what we now know about Dan and his conversion to Islam in June after he wrote the song, “Honey?”
Yes, I thought so at one time.
Then, I remembered that one day, while we were walking in the Village, picking up groceries, I tripped and fell and spilled coffee beans all over the sidewalk.
People also like to ask me how big his dick was.
Let’s see, what else?
What do I think about the creep who rooted through his garbage all those years when he was married to that colossal bitch, Joanna?
First of all, I don’t keep track of Joanna’s doings or her life and frankly, she’s still a bitch from what I hear. I mean that is the word on the street.
Joanna is the Skeleton in the rain he wrote about. And the “Girl from the Old Country Who Wouldn’t Eat” – as if that weren’t obvious. I’m surprised she’s still alive enough to go on those celebrity dance shows, she’s so angular and ugly.
Joanna was always mean to me, even in high school, and I really have nothing to say about her today. I don’t care if she is my sister.
As for Mr. Trash, he is actually here today. We married in Vegas last year and I’d like to set the record straight: He doesn’t do that kind of thing anymore. Although, yes, it’s true, we did meet outside Dan’s Malibu dumpster. So, so,long ago.
I want to thank you for inviting me to Dan Con. I hope I answered some mysteries. It was quite an eventful time for me, the year I was seventeen. I challenge any girl to have the kind of year I had! Maybe that Ritchie Valens chick did, what’s her name, Madonna? Maybe she did.
Dan’s a tremendous artist. I’m an artist too, by the way, although I’m sure you know that as well, and I’ll be at my merch table in the back.
He was average. I really don’t remember. I was in high school.